Seven years ago, I made the courageous decision to leave an abusive marriage that had spanned nearly 25 years. Throughout our relationship, my ex had shown no interest in custody of our children, making his intentions abundantly clear. However, the moment I mentioned child support and spousal support, he embarked on a calculated campaign to portray me as unfit, someone incapable of caring for our children, despite my decades-long dedication to them.
This tactic is all too familiar in divorces involving abuse—a manipulative ploy to retain control and financial advantage, even at the expense of the well-being of the children.
Sadly, our children fell victim to this manipulation. Perhaps they were afraid of him, or maybe they harbored resentment towards me—for staying "too long" in the marriage and then summoning the courage to leave. It's possible they were simply grappling with the upheaval of their world and sought to protect themselves in any way they could.
Since then, holidays like Mother’s Day have become excruciating reminders of the pain I endure, a sentiment echoed in an article on estrangement from the Atlantic Monthly that surfaced on my Facebook feed yesterday. In the United States, holidays often revolve around family, yet I have very little family left: just me, my mother, my faithful dog, and a handful of friends. Family was always the cornerstone of my life, a fact known to anyone acquainted with me.
I grapple with what hurts more: the well-meaning strangers wishing me a Happy Mother’s Day without realizing the anguish it brings, or the heartfelt wishes from friends who see me as a surrogate mother figure. Perhaps most agonizing is the realization that my own children will likely not acknowledge the day. In fact, they often propagate the narrative of me being a bad mother—a classic tactic in cases of domestic abuse. Painting me as unworthy justifies their mistreatment and allows them to erase my identity as a mother and as a person. It grants permission to inflict pain and replace me in their lives, perpetuating the cycle of abuse.
There’s a saying circulating here, a passage from "1984," about suffering being the essence of control. By alienating the children, the abuser can inflict suffering without lifting a finger.
To all those who experienced the hardship of having abusive, disabled, or simply imperfect mothers, my heart goes out to you. Children deserve dependable, loving parents and secure attachments. However, let's also extend some empathy to the estranged and alienated parents. We yearn for our children, we love them deeply, and we long to be part of their lives. Yet, we're left grappling with unanswered questions, grief, and rage, with no closure or hope for a brighter future in sight.
Mother's Day isn't a joyous occasion for everyone.
PS — If you're interested in discussing the creation of a comic using AI, please share your thoughts in the comments. Engaging in spirited discussions and thoughtful commentary is always encouraged.
For those curious, here's the prompt that inspired the cartoon. It's almost what was requested, but not quite:
A cartoon depicting an elderly woman sitting alone in an armchair with a cane leaning against it. Her face bears a sad expression, showing the wear of years gone by. Surrounding her are faded, ghostly memories of three girls playing together at different ages. Behind her, ghostly figures of three women, resembling the younger girls, stand solemnly. The scene portrays the woman reminiscing about raising the three girls, who have now grown into the women behind her.
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